3 Weeks Post-Show...

Where to begin?...

Ok, so I was in the shower thinking about the last 3 weeks of my life... I love to reflect in the shower because it's when I do my best thinking, but as some of the luckier of you know... I don't shower often.

I'll try to organize this in a way that makes sense... how about bullet points? This all took place in the shower, so don't expect to get a lot out of it. Plus, I am not in tip-top form right now... ha

h So, my first thought was about how far removed I feel from the show I did just 3 weeks ago. This three weeks might as well have been a lifetime! The Monday immediately following the show, I started my new shift. I work until 1am. I thought this would take me about a week to get used to because I don't go to bed until around then anyway, but man was I wrong! Now, a few things are happening here simultaneously...

1) My body is exhausted at the end of the day, and you would think I'd fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow... I am WIRED when I get home! I just lay there, get up...get online, lay back down... get up... read a little, lay back down... get up... let the dog out.. lay back down... I play this little game with myself until approximately 5am.
So, what does this mean? This means, I go to sleep at 5 and wake up between 7:30-8. Now, there are some glorious mornings where I am able to fall asleep just after 3am...and I live for those!

2) So, on a typical day, this means it is now 8am and me and Leo are in full swing! We play hard... he is 15 months old, and we are curious!! So we play until around 10 when I have to start getting ready. I don't leave until 1, but Leo likes it better if I get ready in bits instead of all-at-once, so I get started early and take breaks to play.

"Getting ready" also includes cleaning up, making the bed, packing his bag, and picking up the house..(THIS IS STILL PLAY TIME AS FAR AS HE IS CONCERNED)

He likes to help me, so I have to leave time for him to brush his hair, and help me put on deodorant, and brush his teeth, (which is so cute, but I'll tell that story another time), he also likes to help me with my socks, and making the bed... and a BUNCH of other things... so I make sure I leave time for all of those special moments. I simply am not interested in sacrificing "moments" bc I can't get those back...

3) Now it's 1, and we're out the door! I am at work by 1:45, and so begins my day. Now, my initial plan was to work out on my lunch breaks--this still is my plan. However, I am studying for my securities license, and I study through my lunch every day because, as you can imagine, studying at work is the only option for me right now... (M-F)

4) So this balloons out into a whole other myriad of issues! At this point I am tired, (but successfully suppressing it) and hungry (bc I haven't eaten at all, or haven't eaten anything good!) Which you all know means my body isn't exactly performing optimally! I'm not even sure it's performing minimally!

5) So I get home around 1:30am... starving. I eat whatever I can find, and begin the game of hide-and-seek I play with my eyelids every night/morning... fall asleep around 4:30, hear Leo around 7:30... Out of bed again by 8.



hSo, now my thoughts were heading all over the place, but as I was shaving my left arm pit, it hit me... I have to have a plan! I can do this! I overcame the "impossible" before, so how am I going to do it this time?!

I made a list and it only took me until I was done with my right arm pit to complete it...

1- I need a kettlebell. I think if I started my collected with a 35 pounder, I could get pretty far before I had to add another, and I'd also be pushing myself--so WINNING.

2- I need a goal. I had my best success when I was prepping for a show. Turns out, when I'm gonna be on stage in a skimpy bikini, I really stay focused. I don't think I want to name a show just yet, because I don't know what the timelines in my personal life are going to be like. So I have settled on setting a specific body mass goal or something? I want to build a LOT of muscle, so that is going to be my goal. I will get a more specific one laid out after I do some research and figure out what a goal like that would even look like... then I'll name a show within 2 weeks.

3- I need to stop making excuses. I can find time in my day to do this... I know I can. I can find time to cook, and I can find time to exercise..

4- Actually we will call this 3A- Find a way to fall asleep right after work so I don't have to play catch-up on the weekends... Boom. Possibly just opened up some time!

5- AGAIN No more excuses. I don't plan on going competition-prep style on my diet just yet. I do plan to make more of an effort. I did start cooking my meals again on Wednesday. So that was a step in the right direction I just have to re-program my brain again.. Now, all I am thinking when I am cooking is, "I could be sleeping right now.." I need to be thinking, "I wouldn't be sleeping anyway, and this food is going to give me way more energy!"

hSo then I started thinking about limits... I know, I'm like naked Socrates.

What are my limits? Do I have them?... Can I just keep pushing them further?! I'd like to think I don't have any.. That I am UNLIMITED!

If I do have limits, can I push through them?... I mean.. a limit is a limit right? It's where the road ends, where the fat lady sings. That's what a limit is. It's the END.

If I do have limits and they CAN'T be pushed, then how do I know where to stop? If I can't accept that I've reached my limit, does that mean I haven't reached it??

If I do have limits, and they CAN be pushed through... then SHOULD I?

And this is where I dried off...

3 weeks/ 2 armpits later and I'm only left with questions. I am notorious for taking on "too much," but I always juggle it. I work it out... I just do it. So I am struggling with the possibility that this very well might be my limit.

Here is a quick list of the things I feel I HAVE to be to be happy.. in order of importance:

1) A great/patient/loving Mama
2) "/"/" Wife
3) A beastie Girl
4) Great at my job
5) Housekeeper

I look at that list, and I wonder... How far can my 2.5 hours of sleep get me on my 5-item list?
Right now, I'd say I'm putting a good dint in 1 and 2, 3.. not so much. #4 is going pretty well too.. Not too shabby on an average of 3 hours of sleep/night. How can I push it further...

Now, typing that out I see that it sounds crazy, but I HAVE to figure it out. It will make me happy...and so I have to do it. And THIS JUST IN!-- as I am typing this, i am thinking.. if I found time to exercise, I bet I'd be tired enough to fall asleep when I get home... and maybe I should hire a chef...


It's the circle of life... and it rules us all... I know, that's not what Mufassa meant.. Or was it? Maybe I am thinking of my limit as a wall, when it's more like a circle? Maybe it's not a wall I hit, but rather a place where I start over and get another chance to do it better? Maybe I just keep getting more chances until I get it right, or maybe I just have to restart the journey when my environment changes so I can perfect it again???

KAIZEN!!

At this point, you can only blame yourself for reading this still.... I warned you up-front...

Ok, I am falling asleep.. g'night!