Unfinished Business: March 2011

Saturday, March 26, 2011

3 Weeks Post-Show...

Where to begin?...

Ok, so I was in the shower thinking about the last 3 weeks of my life... I love to reflect in the shower because it's when I do my best thinking, but as some of the luckier of you know... I don't shower often.

I'll try to organize this in a way that makes sense... how about bullet points? This all took place in the shower, so don't expect to get a lot out of it. Plus, I am not in tip-top form right now... ha

h So, my first thought was about how far removed I feel from the show I did just 3 weeks ago. This three weeks might as well have been a lifetime! The Monday immediately following the show, I started my new shift. I work until 1am. I thought this would take me about a week to get used to because I don't go to bed until around then anyway, but man was I wrong! Now, a few things are happening here simultaneously...

1) My body is exhausted at the end of the day, and you would think I'd fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow... I am WIRED when I get home! I just lay there, get up...get online, lay back down... get up... read a little, lay back down... get up... let the dog out.. lay back down... I play this little game with myself until approximately 5am.
So, what does this mean? This means, I go to sleep at 5 and wake up between 7:30-8. Now, there are some glorious mornings where I am able to fall asleep just after 3am...and I live for those!

2) So, on a typical day, this means it is now 8am and me and Leo are in full swing! We play hard... he is 15 months old, and we are curious!! So we play until around 10 when I have to start getting ready. I don't leave until 1, but Leo likes it better if I get ready in bits instead of all-at-once, so I get started early and take breaks to play.

"Getting ready" also includes cleaning up, making the bed, packing his bag, and picking up the house..(THIS IS STILL PLAY TIME AS FAR AS HE IS CONCERNED)

He likes to help me, so I have to leave time for him to brush his hair, and help me put on deodorant, and brush his teeth, (which is so cute, but I'll tell that story another time), he also likes to help me with my socks, and making the bed... and a BUNCH of other things... so I make sure I leave time for all of those special moments. I simply am not interested in sacrificing "moments" bc I can't get those back...

3) Now it's 1, and we're out the door! I am at work by 1:45, and so begins my day. Now, my initial plan was to work out on my lunch breaks--this still is my plan. However, I am studying for my securities license, and I study through my lunch every day because, as you can imagine, studying at work is the only option for me right now... (M-F)

4) So this balloons out into a whole other myriad of issues! At this point I am tired, (but successfully suppressing it) and hungry (bc I haven't eaten at all, or haven't eaten anything good!) Which you all know means my body isn't exactly performing optimally! I'm not even sure it's performing minimally!

5) So I get home around 1:30am... starving. I eat whatever I can find, and begin the game of hide-and-seek I play with my eyelids every night/morning... fall asleep around 4:30, hear Leo around 7:30... Out of bed again by 8.

hSo, now my thoughts were heading all over the place, but as I was shaving my left arm pit, it hit me... I have to have a plan! I can do this! I overcame the "impossible" before, so how am I going to do it this time?!

I made a list and it only took me until I was done with my right arm pit to complete it...

1- I need a kettlebell. I think if I started my collected with a 35 pounder, I could get pretty far before I had to add another, and I'd also be pushing myself--so WINNING.

2- I need a goal. I had my best success when I was prepping for a show. Turns out, when I'm gonna be on stage in a skimpy bikini, I really stay focused. I don't think I want to name a show just yet, because I don't know what the timelines in my personal life are going to be like. So I have settled on setting a specific body mass goal or something? I want to build a LOT of muscle, so that is going to be my goal. I will get a more specific one laid out after I do some research and figure out what a goal like that would even look like... then I'll name a show within 2 weeks.

3- I need to stop making excuses. I can find time in my day to do this... I know I can. I can find time to cook, and I can find time to exercise..

4- Actually we will call this 3A- Find a way to fall asleep right after work so I don't have to play catch-up on the weekends... Boom. Possibly just opened up some time!

5- AGAIN No more excuses. I don't plan on going competition-prep style on my diet just yet. I do plan to make more of an effort. I did start cooking my meals again on Wednesday. So that was a step in the right direction I just have to re-program my brain again.. Now, all I am thinking when I am cooking is, "I could be sleeping right now.." I need to be thinking, "I wouldn't be sleeping anyway, and this food is going to give me way more energy!"

hSo then I started thinking about limits... I know, I'm like naked Socrates.

What are my limits? Do I have them?... Can I just keep pushing them further?! I'd like to think I don't have any.. That I am UNLIMITED!

If I do have limits, can I push through them?... I mean.. a limit is a limit right? It's where the road ends, where the fat lady sings. That's what a limit is. It's the END.

If I do have limits and they CAN'T be pushed, then how do I know where to stop? If I can't accept that I've reached my limit, does that mean I haven't reached it??

If I do have limits, and they CAN be pushed through... then SHOULD I?

And this is where I dried off...

3 weeks/ 2 armpits later and I'm only left with questions. I am notorious for taking on "too much," but I always juggle it. I work it out... I just do it. So I am struggling with the possibility that this very well might be my limit.

Here is a quick list of the things I feel I HAVE to be to be happy.. in order of importance:

1) A great/patient/loving Mama
2) "/"/" Wife
3) A beastie Girl
4) Great at my job
5) Housekeeper

I look at that list, and I wonder... How far can my 2.5 hours of sleep get me on my 5-item list?
Right now, I'd say I'm putting a good dint in 1 and 2, 3.. not so much. #4 is going pretty well too.. Not too shabby on an average of 3 hours of sleep/night. How can I push it further...

Now, typing that out I see that it sounds crazy, but I HAVE to figure it out. It will make me happy...and so I have to do it. And THIS JUST IN!-- as I am typing this, i am thinking.. if I found time to exercise, I bet I'd be tired enough to fall asleep when I get home... and maybe I should hire a chef...

It's the circle of life... and it rules us all... I know, that's not what Mufassa meant.. Or was it? Maybe I am thinking of my limit as a wall, when it's more like a circle? Maybe it's not a wall I hit, but rather a place where I start over and get another chance to do it better? Maybe I just keep getting more chances until I get it right, or maybe I just have to restart the journey when my environment changes so I can perfect it again???

KAIZEN!!

At this point, you can only blame yourself for reading this still.... I warned you up-front...

Ok, I am falling asleep.. g'night!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I'm STILL high off the Northern!

So they say, "all good things must come to an end..." but I am finding that the best things are usually only the beginning!

Saturday, I competed in the NPC Beverly International Northern Kentucky Bodybuilding, Bikini, and Figure Championship!... Bikini division of course.

This has been one of the best experiences of my life. Not only have I found a an amazing core group of people, but I also ran into ME along the way... and I like it.

There were a few lessons learned, as is expected in one's first journey into the unknown.

As you all have been made painfully aware, I have been "dieting" and working out like mad since the last week of December 2010. I was working really hard on getting lean and simultaneously trying to build muscle. I accomplished both of those goals. Go me... I lost about 4% body fat, and gained a couple pounds of muscle, at least.

I decided to enter the bikini division because I needed a motivator to lose the weight after I had Leo. Since April of last year, when I started working out with Joe Daniels, I have lost about 20lbs. That sounds so insane to me! By the time the show came around, I knew I was hopelessly hooked on clean eating and exercises that make my whole body wicked strong... People have been hooked on worse things.

So I got my bod rockin', ordered a suit and heels, and set out to accomplish another crazy goal... Get on stage in front of hundreds of people I don't know, in a bikini... If you know me, you know I don't even go to the pool without shorts on, and I don't take the shorts off until I am sliding into the water. So, overcoming that particular mental hurdle, had me more nervous than any of the rest. This is where I surprised myself, and realized I have a lot to learn about me, and it all started with the coldest spray tan in the history of EVER...

So, I walk in for my tan.. I have followed all written instructions for skin prep and I am ready for the best spray tan in the world. I'm in the tent undressing and I think to myself, "I should probably just be naked for this." Did I really just think that to myself?? Me?... Wow.. Ok, so i rolled with that. So the woman comes around and instructs me on how to stand, then begins to spray freaking brown ICE water on me!!!!!!!! I mean heat that shiz up, for real! WTF makes you think that's ok? Sorry, PTSD kickin' in. Anywho... So when that's over, I am so relieved. Now I can just hang here and dry, so I'll warm up soon. Oh JK, here's a giant fan that's going to blow on you for the duration of your nude stay in our little blue tent here. I'm not mad. They were great ladies, but it was cold.

So, when I leave there I am brown, which I expected, I smell terrible, which I did not expect. When I get home from checking in, I do the smart thing and go straight to sleep. Not a decision I make well often... At 5, I wake up, I "fix" my hair, brush my teeth, put on my sweats, and leave to get my makeup done. At this point, my skin is DARK and my face is really spotty. The color didn't look smooth.. it looked, not great.

So, long story short... Apparently I was supposed to rinse off the next morning. So... lesson learned! I had a really hard time getting my face to look normal. Next time I'll rinse and look like a human. Oh the things that humble us...

So now it's about 8am, and I am scheduled for a touch-up on my tan at 9am. I get through that and then it's the waiting game.. and because of touch-ups, I am playing the waiting game in my sweats sans underwear and bra. Few things are more internally awkward than hanging out talking to men and women you barely know with an unnaturally brown speckled face in full-on commando mode. I got through this too...

So around 12pm, pre-judging for bikini starts-- I got on stage and did my thing (what parts I remembered of said "thing"), and cheesed until my face literally started burning. This is where I really surprised myself. This cheesing wasn't forced... it was actually sort of involuntary. I was just having so much fun, and I was so happy to be there, I just couldn't stop.

I was on stage in a bathing suit with people studying all my nooks and crannies, and I was having fun? It is amazing what I learned about myself when I opened my mind to a new experience...Especially one SOOOO far out of my comfort zone.

Now, in retrospect, I realize how much I've changed as a result of this experience. My journey to enlightenment actually began Friday night when I got my spray tan. I walked right into that tent , got butt naked, and didn't think twice about it.. I don't know if you realize how invasive a butt-naked spray tan can be, but I all but coughed.

Then my journey continued when, after a while, I've realized I didn't actually care that I was commander-in-chief of the United States of I'm Butt-A** Naked under my sweats... ah geez... so lame, I apologize.

Then again when I think about how easily I conversed with other competitors (men and women) about body parts while all parties were minimally clothed. (This may not seem like a big deal, but it's something that would have had me red-faced in the past.)

I walked around that place in my little bikini like it was my mother-effin' living room. I didn't even walk around my real mother-effin' living room in anything less than sweats before this...

I wore 5" heels.

I small talked.

(If you know me personally, you're giggling right now.)

I went on stage in a bikini and was proud of the work I've done.

So what have I learned? Well, A lot.. but my favorite lesson has been this:

The human body is just a shell. I took really good care of my shell. I made it stronger, I fed it good food, I exercised it, I tanned it, and I put it on display. It's almost the equivalent of my brain earning a college degree. Just varying types of exploitation... It's nothing to be ashamed of. I have been so worried with all of these pictures coming out online..

I didn't want people to get the wrong idea about WHY I did it, or HOW I could be ok with those pictures being posted. Truth is... I suppose I don't care much what anyone thinks! I don't mean for that to sound attitudinal. It's just not about anyone else... It's about me.

I set out to accomplish something I thought I could never do. Not only did I have to completely change my lifestyle, re-work my eating habits (stick to my food plan with no exceptions), cook, exercise 6 days a week, constantly challenge myself, and function on a maximum of 4 hours of sleep every day, while also working, keeping the house in order, and being a wife and mama!(Of course it helps that Bran is the most helpful and supportive man I've ever met, so I can't take all the credit!)

This whole thing has been about personal accomplishment from day 1. I never realized how amazing personal growth can be, and I have never felt so satisfied. Not only did I have to overcome REAAAALLY bad habits and train my body A LOT, but I also had to overcome the mental block that left me debilitatingly (not a word) modest. What was I hiding?? Who was I hiding from? I think I overvalued the human shell. And by that, I don't mean it's not valuable. I mean it's just not that big of a deal...

So, what's my next move?? Right now I am taking the rest of this week off. I have a new work schedule I am adjusting to and.... well that's the only excuse I've got. However, Monday I start back on food plan full force and get back to a somewhat normal routine of exercise! I am studying for my license, and really need to focus on that, but depending on where my body is, I may do the Derby April 23. But, I know for sure that I am doing the Souther KY Classic on May 21 in Scottsville.

It's a new show, and it is apparently really small, but... doesn't matter to me because I just need to have a goal and get some more practice under my belt. Between now and then, and just going forward in general, the focus is going to be on building a lot of muscle. So heavier lifting, and more food??... Not quite sure yet.. I'll figure it out and let ya know.

So, if you're still with me, then you're nicer than I am... I would have quit reading this glorified diary entry about 15 minutes ago. But, I do thank you for taking the time!

If you have any questions, post them in the comments or message me directly--as most of you usually do--